Before beginning this journey, within the last six months or so, I have been encountering death in different ways and on different levels. Within my body, I feel it there still pulling at me, pulling at me to change the way I have been living my life. I don’t know what my body is directing me towards yet, but I do know that it is trying to instruct and guide me forward in some way.
As I feel into this pulling sensation, I wonder what is wanted. I wonder about what in my life has been significant to me and what has not. I think about the things I’ve put a lot of energy into with very little corresponding return, some of them just important to do, some of them just a waste of time, some of them for pleasing others, and some of them based solely on the cultural box I’ve accepted for myself.
Then, I take a sip of tea and begin wagging the tea strainer back and forth within my cup like a pendulum, stalling. I’m stalling to go deeper. The movement of the strainer makes me think of time passing, always passing, always going by no matter what we choose to do.
But the feeling of death is patient and waiting within me. And so, I go inward. I feel the sorrow of lost time. I feel the ways of being that gave me nothing in return and offered more death than life. I feel the years of living with death and never noticing the feeling of its presence. I feel the grasping and clawing for life and not really finding it. I feel the places where, instead of life, I’ve only found some hazy, watered down version of something that we call “life.”
As I sit with this a bit more, wanting to go further and then move out of this. But what comes back is to be with this, to feel this, and to know this feeling of death. What’s wanted right now is to know this feeling of death versus life, so that better choices can be made with all that comes next.
Thus, I invite you to feel into the sensations of death. Holding death in your body, where does it exist and what kinds of sensations does it create? At what times within your life have you noticed its presence in this way? At what times have you not noticed death’s presence? Can you allow death to just be present, to feel it and to notice what it is actually about?